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JOKES
Old Age
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker
commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not
as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill
out.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at
our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my
body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For
fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age,
but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your
inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you
grow old because you stop laughing.
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh
heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they
are.
Never Ask A Lady
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small - town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".
Stunned, the lawyer, not knowing what else to do, pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney"? She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I do know him."
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "if either of you ask her if she knows me, I'll throw you both in jail for contempt."
In Trouble
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy set to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it.
Joke------ what do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft
Answer ----------- an a flat miner
Joke what is a cowboys favorite website
Answer------ yahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Falling Asleep at Church!!!
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem. My husband
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.
What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion
to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in
the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your
redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As
he picked up the tempo of his sermon; he made a few motions that
Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin
again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that darned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up
your butt!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
The 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling Asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?” she asked. "To get my teeth!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
They had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
Activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely See over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an Intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People
gr8nana2006
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